PTSD and DEPRESSION OH MY!

I feel lost. Not wanting to live again. Depression. That voice that says I'm not worth anything and no one cares. I have an interesting life, but a depressing one. Why do I get through these things that hurt and suffer from an outcome I never caused? How come these dreams attack in the night? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Is my life based off of things people that sit in chairs and diagnose me with these "mental problems"? Yes. Why? People treat me like I am a psycho that is about to burst. Have I ever shot a gun? No. So why do people think I need meds to cure my life? Easy, it males other people feel safe when I am on meds. Have I taken any lately? Just to get people off my back. People push for you to be perfect and feel happy all the time, but how is it possible when people make me feel worse by telling me I have mental problems? I know I have PTSD and I show my emotions by crying a lot, but is that really that bad? I need to feel my emotions otherwise I bottle them up and explode. That is what I try to prevent but others tell me to stop crying. I need to fucking cry when I think about certain things. I guess it is time to turn on the Notebook and give a second reason to cry my night away. My life got messy and it is still rushed.

It Has Been a Long Time Coming

Well, I haven't been around much, but of course I was out causing trouble like normal.

So much has happened since I was here last. K-love is doing so much better and finally ended everything with T-man. It's about time since she has been through too much crap with him. Not only has she gave up on him, she started dating Tieboy. Not kidding. She is so cute with him. Her Valentine's Day was amazing. Someone finally did something right.

As for me, I have been out causing problems. I ended up going for a walk and meeting up with a guy. Let's put it as, I'm grounded. Yep. Which is why I am here again. Nothing better to do. I must say I am doing pretty great. I gave up on even thinking about dating the man whore. Totally a bad move since he likes one of the other chicks I hang with. He has slept around too much for me.

I basically have eyes for one guy at the moment. Lets see how it goes.

Other than all of this, my family is ok. Not much has changed. Does it ever?

I guess college is going well, except the wanting to pass out in Marketing each day. I must say my professors need to be more alive!

Well, til next time: SEE YA!

Get Away Night

That's right! I got away from the insanity in my life for a night which had more insanity.

I went to hang with the guys, K-love, and kit-kat. We just happened to go to pizza hut and chill out there for a while.

We had the man whore there and two guys that I just met. I will give the man whore a nickname from now on. It shall be phoneboy. Reasoning behind that came from every time I am around him he has his phone out.

We where of course sitting there trying to decide on a pizza... well it took awhile. It took less time for stringbean to order his water.

Of course K-love and Kit-Kat had to randomly burst out laughing for no reason. It took them a while to get over their laughter and the guys made it worse.

Of course my eyes were on the football game. When I watched, the Vikings were losing. Yep. My dad was probably pissed off at his place watching it. Phoneboy was watching it too. Him and I were discussing the mess ups of the plays of each team.

Tieboy was quiet but at least he was fun to talk to when I went to the theater early. We had nothing but random convos going.

of course Phoneboy showed up after stopping to get a video game. Typical. Kit-Kat was right behind him. K-love, Stringbean, and Tieboy were the first ones there.

After Phone boy got his popcorn, he decided to throw some at Kit-Kat and Tieboy. Of course we all pitched in on stealing the popcorn from him. We went to see Avatar. Not too bad of a movie.

The best thing about the whole night was me setting off my own car alarm. Yeah. I did it. It was hilarious.

3 Guys

So I guess I was bound to write this.

I have an ex boyfriend. I know, typical way to start this. I am still in love with him. He lives pretty far away and it is difficult to get over him. I had to fall so hard for the sensitive rocker huh? He was wonderful to me but it fell apart like most relationships.

Now for the next guy. He is another rocker which means trouble. Yet again sensitive. He is so unbelievably sweet to me. The bad news is that we have only known him for a short time. He is well nice. I am just scared he will become something I don't want. Which is already happening.

Guy number three. This one is the one I flirt with in a sexual way. He is crazy and he is a good friend. Of course I don't think he would ever date me. He is the guy that is sleeping around and we all consider him as the man whore. I wish I was kidding. He is such a pretty boy too. He is a good guy all around though.

I guess I am tired of what I had but still want it. One guy broke up with me, the next one is sweet, and the last is a whore. I want a guy that would be good to me, but be there for me all the time without being so attached. I wish there was a guy like that out there.

Take Time to Notice!

People at this time are either more generous or rude. Watching these people is a blast. I enjoy seeing how they react around others.

When I do this, I see how the old man in the parking lot goes all the way around to open up the door for the old woman sitting in the passenger seat, the young girl rolls her eyes as people take a long time in front of her in the isles, the little girl wants her mom's attention but her mother is too busy talking on the phone, the "gangsta" boys walking into a store in a large group and all leaving at the same time just a few minutes later even though one wanted to buy something, the teenager in the business suit walking around to find a ride because his family can't afford a car, and the man that works extremely hard on something and leaves the room and is talked badly about right afterwards.

Each of these people have reasoning for doing the things that they do.

The old man seemed like a true gentleman when he did that for his mistress. The one thing I payed close to during this was that she waited for him to go all the way around to open the door. It must have been something he did often. She seemed irritated on how long it took him to go around though, which was the only sad part about it. It was as though she had full control over him.

The young woman that rolled her eyes seemed highly irritated with everything around me, or she could have been in a hurry. There was another checkout line open if she wanted to use it. She rolled her eyes continuously as the elderly woman was trying to count her money and get on her way. It was sad seeing the way she acted around them, but little did she realize that would be her someday.

The little girl trying to get her mother's attention was the one that hurt me the most. It was so sad to see a little girl try that hard for attention. She just wanted to show her mother a pair of shoes that she wanted for Christmas. I must say that little girl was adorable. Her face is what broke my heart. She looked so sad when her mother snapped at her and started talking on the phone more.

The "gangstas" were the ones I got the biggest kick out of. They were pretending to be really tough when everyone knows they really aren't. I go to college with a couple of them and they are as sweet as pie when you really get to know them separately. The one that stuck around longer is one I have a class with. He said hi quickly as he caught up with the rest of his posse.

The teenager walking around in the business suit is a very nice guy. I met him the first day of classes. He seems so nice, and I then learned a lot about him. He told me that his family has money problems and that's why he tries to look his best. He wants to become wealthy to help those he cares about the most. He is very genuine and highly caring. Whenever I see him, I always have to say hello and ask if he needs anything.

The man that is spoken about behind his back is constantly working on everything. He is even lucky to be alive. The lady that talks bad behind him just makes more work for him. It is truly sad. Who would do that to someone that tries to work that hard to help others? He constantly is working with community to better it. He is always there to help his peers as well including the woman that talks badly about him. To me, I find him very helpful and enjoyable if you get to know him. I truly love working with him. The lady that talks badly about him just needs to shut her fucking mouth and if she has a problem with the group that he runs, then she should just leave it.

I know I am highly opinionated with these things that happen, but I cant help myself sometimes. Each of these things make me think about how I act around other people. What I noticed though, is that I don't act around others. I become nothing. I become invisible. It's as though I am not there. I tend to show people that they need not to become something that they aren't in front of others. When I do this, I get people to relax their body and be themselves. I am not sure how I do the whole invisibility thing, but I do. I even got Army dudes to freak out a bit. No one can figure me out when I become unreadable. Which is something I love that I notice about myself.

Photo Moments

I was looking at old photos today. I realized all the things I went through. I was able to tell you what problem I was having during each photo. The photos showed me how much I knew about myself and how much I didn't. (The girl in the picture is a girl I watched grow up.)

The picture of me in a purple shirt was when I was anorexic.

The skirt and shirt that was at a family gathering was when I was bulimic.

The picture of me in a pyramid with two other girls was when I was suffering from anxiety.

The Easter bunny picture was when I finally realized I had someone actually there for me even though it wasn't for long.

Santa Claus and the helpers was a time when I kept myself as busy as possible just like I do today.

The bowling alley with a girl from my past was a time of knowing everything was about to change.

Making a snow angel as a kid was a time of play but sorrow.

The picture of a little girl with crooked teeth holding her new puppy was a time of hope and playfulness.

Same girl riding that horse was the girl feeling free for the first time.

A young lady curled up on the couch with a black kitten was a time of relaxation.

The same girl dying her hair black for the first time was the day she wanted to rebel.

That 13th birthday was the day she knew she chose to live in the right place.

Now for the embarrassing picture of the girl with curly hair and corn and spaghetti all over her face. That was just a typical 2 year old.

The same girl who was anorexic but in this picture gained so much weight. She finally was back to normal.

Now, I look at my latest photos thinking that I look serene and calm. I may look that way, but do I really feel that way? None of the photos above had the thoughts behind them show. So, what could my pictures really show from my life today?

I guess my life may be insane, but I look back thinking that I am happy to rush through the difficult times. Time to try to slow down and take each hour nice and slow.

BITCH... Not a Cuss Word!!!

(In the picture is Gaia.)

So I recently learned from my girl K-love that BITCH isn't a cuss word along with all the other names that are used against women!!! (Thank you K-love!) ;)

According to a Pagan paper, the term Bitch isn't horrible. This is what K-love found:

She has been known in ancient times and continuously throughout history even up to the moment by names too numerous to mention. She predates Christianity (who adopted her names, her liturgy, her holidays, her rites, and her place of worship) by thousands of years. Remains of her templates and her images have been found on every continent and in every country the world over. For the last two thousand years, she has been abused, misused, maligned, and cast out by those "in control." Her worshippers have suffered rape, the rack, nail screws, stoning, skewering, stampedes, flaying, quartering's, burning, drowning, disembowelment, and any number of other unmentionable tortures in the quest to rid the world of her influence. Yet she lives on, not in our memories as a quaint fertility object from a distant and barbarous past, but as a living, breathing, regenerating entity upon which all humans reside, She is Gaia, the Great Earth Mother, She is also the triple Goddess: maiden, mother, and crone, or creator, sustainer, and destroyer. She is the virgin and she is the sacred whore, The Goddess is back, and she is seeking retribution for the sins of the fathers and the sins of the sons back seven generations.

To understand the defilement of the Great Mother, we need only to look to the language of our times. As children, we are instructed not to say certain words, because they were "bad words." "Cunt," "bitch" and "whore," are representative of those words. Yet when we investigate their etymology, we find not words of debasement, but words of honor and names of the Great Mother.

Bitch: The Bitch Goddess of antiquity was known in all the Indo-European cultures, beginning with the Great Bitch Sarama, who led the Vedic dogs of death. Artemis-Diana, leader of the Scythian Alani or "hunting dogs," was another such Bitch Goddess. Harlots or "bitches" were identified in the ancient Roman cult of the Goddess Lupa, the Wolf Bitch, whose priestesses (the lupae) gave their name to the prostitutes in general.

I only wanted to point out the word bitch because it's the most used in front of me. Now when someone calls me a bitch, I can say "Thank you! I always wanted to be a Goddess." If they don't get that, I will say, "Bitches are dogs, dogs bark, bark is on trees, and trees are a part of nature, and nature is beautiful, so THANK YOU for the compliment." I hope everyone enjoys this. I know I did when K-love pointed it out. There is more to the article, if anyone wants to read the rest, you should ask me or subscribe to The Beltane Papers: A Journal of Woman Mysteries.

I love being a woman now. That made my life a little less insane.